Somebody Help!!

Diet

What diet? I’m so tired of having to think up things to eat and I’m so busy with getting things done that I don’t have time to worry about what I’m eating … so the diet has been whatever I find the last few days.

I did try today. Had spaghetti squash with some sausage and spaghetti sauce and a salad and now I have baked eggs in the oven. But I also drank soda today and am craving blueberry muffins enough that I’m thinking of making the mile long trek to the grocery on foot just to buy some … in the dark … and the cold. Ugh. The carb cravings have begun.

Exercise

Hmm. Well, I guess if I walk to the store and back I’ll have walked two miles, half of it carrying a load of groceries. Otherwise, I’ve milked a goat today and written about 6,000 words. If I could lose weight in my hands and transfer it to the rest of my body, I’d be good to go.

Mentality

Oh hell … tonight there’s not a big enough vat of wine for me to fall in. And honestly that’s coming from someone who doesn’t drink that much. The time change and this getting dark by 5:30 in the evening is killing me.

 

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Day Whatever

Exercise

Spent an hour last night, in the dark mind you, running and walking in the park. And then about 20 mins swinging. I know. Odd. I’ve done that before when I felt out-of-pocket with the rest of the world and it helped. Last night, not so much. But it did help me decide that instead of writing stuff down all the time, I’m going to walk it out. Since no one else is in the park at that time of night, I can scream at the top of my lungs and no one will know.

Menu

Eggs and canadian bacon cooked in coconut oil for breakfast. A cup of hot tea with sugar. A few potato chips to stave off hunger. Big glass of water while writing. And a beef stroganoff creation for supper with salad.

Mentality

Pretty much feel like I’m never going to lose the weight. No matter what I seem to do, it doesn’t come off. I’ve read everything I can, tried everything, and nothing ever works. It’s a vicious cycle. Of course the emotional stuff I’ve gone through recently hasn’t helped. On the odd days it makes me not want to eat anything. Can’t eat, really. I’m just sick to my stomach with worry and grief and sadness.

I read something that said “The struggles you’re going through today are just preparing you for the strength you’ll need in the future.” And I thought, HELL NO. If I need this much strength in the future, I don’t want to be there. This is harder than anything I’ve ever been through in my life on an emotional scale. How can it get worse?

Physically

My right eye has decided to see in double vision now. I’ve tried changing out my contact, since I’ve been crying a lot and they fog up when I do that, but that hasn’t helped. So I thought maybe something was wrong with my new prescription and I put in an old contact I still had, but that hasn’t helped either. It’s my eye. Whoopie. One more thing to deal with.

One Mile Down

Exercise

Made myself walk/run a mile today … complete with stopping for picking up pecans. That was a great stretching exercise and good for the waist and back.

Diet

Turkey egg omelet cooked in coconut oil with bacon bits and a sprinkle of cheese. Hot tea with a little sugar (my one daily indulgence). Working on a big glass of water now.

Not sure what else I’ll eat today. I’m not really hungry buy maybe I’ll bake a winter squash and make some soup with it. That would be nice. I think I have some chicken sausage I could cook to go with it.

Mentality

A little anxious after the events in Paris yesterday. Acts of terrorism trigger my PTSD which has already been on high alert recently. Learning to reach out to others and share what I’ve learned after 20+ years of living with it. Hope is a powerful connector of people.

Ready to write after two days of messing with computer issues and being out-of-town.

8 months along … sigh

Life has a way of throwing curve balls at me and I’m tired of it. I was doing so well with the diet and exercise but then I had to give up the gym membership because of income issues and other things took priority. Now it’s winter again and I’m still sitting here wondering what the heck to do to make this work. Again.

If I could afford to hire a coach, I would.

I keep telling myself, if this thing or that thing or this other thing would just settle down, I’d have time to focus on my weight and health. But I guess it’s kind of like having kids. If you wait for the perfect time, it never happens.

It has to be a priority. And now that I have time to focus on me, for a change, this is a priority.